desire-love-pain-regret

I’m not going to lie . .
I still think of you often . .
I still miss you..well the you I used to know … .
Now you’re just this beautiful woman I “sort of” know . .
All I have are a couple materials and the memories.
I wish to create more or to at least relive them . .
My favorite memory was when I first saw you at your dad’s.
I loved how you surprisingly jumped into my arms.
I so wish for that again . .
Thinking of that, well any memory of you, brings a smirk to my face … …
Yet . . it’s quickly followed by the painful fact of not having you anymore . .
My biggest regret was so stupidly letting you go the first time … .
I greatly hate myself for that . .
I beat myself up for that so much … …
I don’t know what it is, karma for me letting you go?
If so, I guess it’s fair … .
I’m sorry if this bothers you that I still care so much . .
I thought things would’ve changed for the better since I’m closer.
For a little while there it seemed like things were turning around . .
Guess I was wrong … .
They say you’ll never forget your first love.
I know I wont but . . will you?
I feel you already have … …
I guess as long as you’re happy then I’m glad for you.
I will keep my pain behind this smile and support you if you ever need me to.

life is jus too much at times.. i greatly consider picking back up that bad habit i jus dont know :/ uuuuggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

You,you are something special. You do cross my mind, I wonder and worry how you are. Although I’m not sure if you wonder of me.. To you, I’d never lie to, never have and never would, I have no reason to. I’d give you everything I could possible. I’d spill my guts in a heartbeat but.. would you do the same? I would fight my hardest for you… I’ve been knocked down for a while now but if so I’ll jump up for you in an instant. I just cant figure things out, you throw my world upside down. Why can’t I just say what i think? Coming up with the right words is harder than I thought.. It torments me and some days…. seem to get really horrible.. I just don’t know what to do, I’m at such a loss.. Even worse you’d probably never see this or you won’t realize it’s about you…..

How is it now that i heard from  you, these past couple of days it feels like real pain in my chest.. Today it hit hard in the middle of my final and messed me up….almost failed it..threw off my whole day too. Getting tired of putting up the fake smile and good attitude. I jus seem to get screwed every time…

no lies… this smile is so fake. i feel like my body is physically falling apart. ive stressed so much all of feb literally every night i couldnt sleep til i stay up and exhaust myself playing xbox til i nearly fall asleep playing so my mind stays side tracked. its taking its tol on me now though, nearly passing out in class, or even on my way to work.. i jus wish this stress, this… this “anger/ frustration” would jus stop..

i jus need an escape….

and even worse..ive got no one by my side anymore…..